So, today had been designated as my day to provide an update on my progress.
Instead I’ve gone backwards, and finding it hard to get motivated again.
A couple of days ago, I fell into one of those woe-is-me-I-am-a-failure modes (which I hate and try actively to avoid, but they have become more frequently as of late). Posted a lame status about my self-esteem problems and right after wanted to add, No emo. If you can say something ridiculously homosexual and been absolved of any sort of scrutiny with no homo, stands to reason no emo should work for sadness, right?
Well, at the end of this, I found myself at that point where I begin to mentally prepare to pull myself up by my bootstraps and do it all over again, and in mid bend, I stop, uncertain what I’m doing this for again.
Is it to be healthy? Skinny? To begin my late career as a model (I still got about 2-3 good years)? To improve my self esteem? To be happy? All of it?
The more I thought I about it, the harder it became to distinguish my reasons any more. I have always believed that one finds their happiness within themselves, and if you’re not happy, there’s something that you need to work on within yourself. But will changing my appearance do that? Should it? If my happiness is contingent on my looks, isn’t that a flawed philosophy to begin with?
Man. I remember when dieting was simpler, in the sense that I didn’t have to combat all my own personal self-doubts and inner contemplation on top of the usual cravings and bad habits.
To make me question myself even further, a friend of mind sent me this:
Which then makes me wonder is all this dissatisfaction it society-based, rather than something that I need/want.
Confusing. For now, I’m off to the gym anyhow and perhaps the answers will come as I go.