The Weight Loss Crisis

So, today had been designated as my day to provide an update on my progress.

Instead I’ve gone backwards, and finding it hard to get motivated again.

A couple of days ago, I fell into one of those woe-is-me-I-am-a-failure modes (which I hate and try actively to avoid, but they have become more frequently as of late).  Posted a lame status about my self-esteem problems and right after wanted to add, No emo. If you can say something ridiculously homosexual and been absolved of any sort of scrutiny with no homo, stands to reason no emo should work for sadness, right?

Well, at the end of this, I found myself at that point where I begin to mentally prepare to pull myself up by my bootstraps and do it all over again, and in mid bend, I stop, uncertain what I’m doing this for again.

Is it to be healthy? Skinny? To begin my late career as a model (I still got about 2-3 good years)? To improve my self esteem? To be happy? All of it?

The more I thought I about it, the harder it became to distinguish my reasons any more. I have always believed that one finds their happiness within themselves, and if you’re not happy, there’s something that you need to work on within yourself. But will changing my appearance do that? Should it? If my happiness is contingent on my looks, isn’t that a flawed philosophy to begin with?

Man. I remember when dieting was simpler, in the sense that I didn’t have to combat all my own personal self-doubts and inner contemplation on top of the usual cravings and bad habits.

To make me question myself even further, a friend of mind sent me this:


Which then makes me wonder is all this dissatisfaction it society-based, rather than something that I need/want.

Confusing. For now, I’m off to the gym anyhow and perhaps the answers will come as I go.



  1. You have to do it because it is something that you want. I started out wanting to lose weight and I did that. I lost about 50 pounds 15 years ago and have kept it off. Once I did not have the goal of weight loss I had to figure out what was my motivation to keep going. The motivation is really how great I felt having accomplished this. It is not about how great it felt to slip into a smaller size but how great I felt about myself for achieving it!

  2. Turns out the answer is more complex, having to do with what has been done to food since the industrial farming age dominated food production. What many women and men may blame themselves for still today has a lot to do with food addiction, which has a lot to do with what has been done TO food. Study that before any factual conclusions about self. There are quite a few documentaries out there on this subject worth watching, and books worth reading.

    I do not think there is anything wrong with wanting to be beautiful because women love what is beautiful, or to please one’s love so long as it is mutual, and motivated in love, not some kind of consumer comparison mental illness. We’re not cars or machines or worse, and we surely shouldn’t buy into or reward commercial come-ons that purport to define us.

    1. That is an excellent point. A friend of mine pretty much went on a detox from all the processed foods we consume and says she feels better and has lost weight in the process-which was more of a side product. I’ve read and watched a few things that discuss the ridiculous amount of chemicals and processing that goes into our food, but somehow, I always just decide its me. I’m sort of a perfectionist so its my way to self-blame first analyze facts later.

      And its true-we aren’t cars. So I guess I need to decide who I want to be and how I believe these weight loss goals will get me there.

      1. Yep. One or the other industry benefits from our self-persecution, true? Either way we spend money. LOL. But here’s the thing: lots of people are truly making tracks with raw, natural, organic veggie-fruit-seed oriented eating, and it is a preemptive strike on an increasingly ill population. Training comprehensively and in a well rounded way with functional goals also brings a fringe benefit of beauty and increased physical well being.

        Perhaps instead of weight loss think of establishing a “training life,” wherein your physical conditioning, eating, sleeping, and drinking behaviors are all trainable, and not only that, self-trainable using your own intelligence, self-understanding, and ethos. This, in large part is what my book is about, which is why I’m pontificating so much just now. LOL.

  3. I’d add this: if a person wants to beautify their relationship with their personal aesthetics with someone who reciprocates, yet does not have someone specific in mind yet, I think it’s pretty important to establish something more sustainable as a motive for being fit and athletic for life so that it isn’t just to land the other. This is because either person can be fickle at times and that motive may tank for some temporary period of time and create a problem. On the other hand, it is also essential that men love the woman, not her temporary states as conditions, so as to honor her soul and the changes of motherhood with much warmth, love, and sympathy for the gift of motherhood given by their spouse. Time is a gift, and spending it in gratitude and admiration for each other’s sacrifices is what makes love deeper. When that is lacking, bitterness is a temptation, and self-pity, anger etc.

    There’s something that I believe is always true about every one of us: each of us can always do better, so there is always the job of improving oneself to employ ourselves with while learning how not to judge the other. By example, not by words will others be more effectively swayed no matter the kind of friendship, relationship, or even marriage.

    Probably too much information, but it’s something I’ve thought about a bit to try to improve the way I think and do things.

    1. I’m a strong proponent for self improvement. I agree, using the goal of landing a man for your weight loss is unreliable and usually unsustainable. Looks matter, whether we like it or not, but one should be able to find someone who cares for them beyond the physical.

      I’m sort of a cynic when it comes to romance, so I’ve known for a while that’s not a good place to focus when we comes to weight loss for me. It used to be I just wanted to look better and maybe then my self-esteem would improve also. But there are so many other life factors that contribute to one’s esteem, and I dislike the hit my confidence takes when I don’t see the numbers go down on the scale.

      So I don’t know, probably time for some new tactics.

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